I feel like so much happened this week. I guess every week is as busy but this week there seemed to be a lot of important moments. I overheard Lia playing the other day and she paused to look in the mirror in her room and said so innocently, “Hi, face. You are so beautiful.” It made me feel like I was doing something right.
I subbed a prenatal yoga class this week also. It was the first time back on the mat since Ian was born. There was an especially tender moment for me in class as we stood in mountain pose and I asked the women to put there hands on baby. As I put my hands on my own abdomen it hit me how this body of mine housed 4 babies. It felt like such a gift to feel my belly, soft and hollow. I felt such gratitude. It was the first time I felt truly connected to this part of my body since we lost our 2nd child. I felt so much grief and anger simply melt away in that moment.
Lia started preschool this week also. I’m so excited for her and all she will do and learn and grow. The house feels so big and empty and quiet when she is gone and the baby is napping. I don’t know what to do with myself. It reminds me how daunting new motherhood is all alone with a baby, how we aren’t meant to do any of this alone.
On Ian’s 12 week birthday we were walking the race to save tiny lives. The cause feels especially close to our hearts this year as 3 babies we know spent or are spending their first days in the NICU. I thought of them all.
I know there was more I wanted to say but I did a body combat class this morning with my sister in law and my brain feels as noodle-y as my body. I wasn’t planning on jumping into such an intense class so soon. It can be rough to be in front of all those mirrors. None of my work out clothes fit or fit right but it doesn’t really matter. The body and the number on the scale aren’t a static thing and I’ve already spent far too much of my life saying I will be happy or feel secure in my body or do this or that when this size jeans fit. So in the middle of class I made the choice to be happy and comfortable with the body I have right now and instead of cringing every time I would watch my belly move as I did a kick I would celebrate the fact that I could kick and just like I say many times during a yoga class I lead, “I am stronger (and more beautiful) than my mind tells me.” I’ve never been a fan of obligatory exercise and I much prefer to move my body in ways that bring me joy. I really believe the biggest factor in losing the baby weight after Lia is that I was just so happy and in love. I didn’t spent much time at all ruminating on pant sizes, we were too busy taking walks, and going on adventures. That is the space I’m in right now.