I forgot to mention last week that I put on a pair of my favorite pants before I got pregnant and they fit. I remember buying them, it was the fall of 2014 and the weight I’d gained from the lost pregnancies wasn’t going anywhere. I walked out of the gap outlet with a fall wardrobe and said to my mom, ” watch I’ll spend all this money and be pregnant.” I think Ian was conceived shortly after. What is it about surrender that makes everything fall into place and why is it so hard to do?
I’ve been thinking about stupid questions we’ve somehow programmed ourselves to talk about with regards to kids like sleep. How kids sleep, where, how long, with whom etc. in the end it doesn’t really matter. I would really love to know what is the best part about being a mother today and the most challenging.
I think for me the challenge is feeling like I don’t have enough patience and the best is bedtime (especially when I am patient). I rock Ian to sleep in his room as he nurses. It’s the rare moment we have alone together. Some days we play for a few minutes before he settles and others his eyes close as he latches. I love watching him fall asleep. One moment he is awake and the next his eyes are half open and the next breath his eyes close and his body melts. It’s a tender moment of surrender. It’s the complete goodbye of the day, clean slate for tomorrow. It’s a gentle reminder that whatever happened that day it’s over and all that’s left is love.
Lia is different. We snuggle down in bed and I can feel her mind zooming a million miles a second. I’m ready to “clock out” for the evening but this is her time to have me all to herself. I fight the urge to tell her to just go to &$@!? Sleep already. It’s the time of day her mind is clear and I get to hear what’s on her heart. It’s such a privilege and so easy to take for granted. She eventually settles, her limbs first then her breathing. I swear she is fully asleep before she lets her eyes finally close. I linger, trying to fathom how on earth she has already gotten so very big. Some day it won’t be like a girls sleepover every night with giggles and inside jokes. I keep these moments close to my heart it’s what makes the seven hundred and three challenging, not my best, exasperated moments of the day worth pushing through. They don’t know it but we are growing (up) together and I’m so lucky to have these teachers of mine.