Category Archives: Healing

Learning to Love the Post Partum Body Week 12

I feel like so much happened this week. I guess every week is as busy but this week there seemed to be a lot of important moments. I overheard Lia playing the other day and she paused to look in the mirror in her room and said so innocently, “Hi, face. You are so beautiful.” It made me feel like I was doing something right. 

I subbed a prenatal yoga class this week also. It was the first time back on the mat since Ian was born. There was an especially tender moment for me in class as we stood in mountain pose and I asked the women to put there hands on baby. As I put my hands on my own abdomen it hit me how this body of mine housed 4 babies. It felt like such a gift to feel my belly, soft and hollow. I felt such gratitude. It was the first time I felt truly connected to this part of my body since we lost our 2nd child. I felt so much grief and anger simply melt away in that moment. 

Lia started preschool this week also. I’m so excited for her and all she will do and learn and grow. The house feels so big and empty and quiet when she is gone and the baby is napping. I don’t know what to do with myself. It reminds me how daunting new motherhood is all alone with a baby, how we aren’t meant to do any of this alone. 

On Ian’s 12 week birthday we were walking the race to save tiny lives. The cause feels especially close to our hearts this year as 3 babies we know spent or are spending their first days in the NICU. I thought of them all.

I know there was more I wanted to say but I did a body combat class this morning with my sister in law and my brain feels as noodle-y as my body. I wasn’t planning on jumping into such an intense class so soon. It can be rough to be in front of all those mirrors. None of my work out clothes fit or fit right but it doesn’t really matter. The body and the number on the scale aren’t a static thing and I’ve already spent far too much of my life saying I will be happy or feel secure in my body or do this or that when this size jeans fit. So in the middle of class I made the choice to be happy and comfortable with the body I have right now and instead of cringing every time I would watch my belly move as I did a kick I would celebrate the fact that I could kick and just like I say many times during a yoga class I lead, “I am stronger (and more beautiful) than my mind tells me.” I’ve never been a fan of obligatory exercise and I much prefer to move my body in ways that bring me joy. I really believe the biggest factor in losing the baby weight after Lia is that I was just so happy and in love. I didn’t spent much time at all ruminating on pant sizes, we were too busy taking walks, and going on adventures. That is the space I’m in right now. 

12 weeks post partum   
2 Days post partum  

4 weeks post partum  

8 weeks post partum 

Week 12

  

Learning to Love the Post Partum Body Week 11

There is a neat article about breastfeeding floating around the internet that talks about how a woman’s body literally melts her ass fat to make milk. I joked once a very long time ago that if someone was stranded on a deserted island with me my butt would make a great meal, I guess my children would also agree. šŸ˜‰

It was fitting to read about melting this week because that’s exactly how my body has been feeling: like gravity is rolling this pregnancy surplus down. (Maybe it’s rolling to my butt to make milk hehe) 

I’m down another 2 pounds this week which puts me about half way to pre-pregnancy weight. The funny thing about weight though, is that it’s relative. This is the first week that I feel small. At least smaller. Smallish maybe more myself? I can’t find the right words to articulate the feeling. I will say hiding all those clothes that I expect one day to fit again really helps when getting dressed in the morning, that and having clothes that fit right now. I put on pj’s I bought when I was pregnant that I thought would fit after baby was born but had forgotten it takes awhile for the hips to move after babies are born last night and they fit. So I guess you could say it was a good week. It’s all about the little things. 

I finished 2 hats this week and am looking forward to learning how to knit in the round and the magic loop. Here’s my little carrot top.

  
I’m glad I started this reflection. It’s really helped me find more patience and acceptance of my body. Cheers to another week of melting fat to make milk. šŸ˜‰

  

Learning to Love The Post Partum Body Week 10

This week literally flew by. I’ve been enjoying the flexibility of not having to squeeze in nap time for my daughter. I resisted this for so long and it’s been so great I wish I would have done it sooner. Most mornings I’ve had some quiet time to start the day and an actual evening too. Ian is stronger everyday and so super cute. He gets this surprised look on his face that makes me laugh. I imagine every time he wakes up he thinks he’s still snuggled up on the inside and then he opens his eyes and realizes he’s earth side. What a wild transition it must be! (Especially since he almost always wakes up in a completely different place from where he fell asleep) 

My young niece asked me recently if she looked fat. She’s a healthy, strong kid. It breaks my heart it’s already something on her radar. How did we get here anyway? How have unrealistic, photoshopped images become a worthy goal when it’s nothing anyone has ever seen in person. To all women: you are enough just as you are. Let’s stop buying into all this bs. 

I am learning to knit a hat from a lovely, empowered woman in her 90s. She still drives, lives independently, and works. I love hearing her stories. (I hope I’m half as cool if I get the chance to be that old) I’m hoping to finish the hat tomorrow. 

I don’t have much else to say other than I feel really happy, thankful and strong. The scale dropped another 3 pounds this week which is always pleasant to see. 

Seriously though, I’m reminding you again. You. Are. Enough. Just. As. You. Are 

  

Learning to Love the Post Partum Body Week 9

I have a 2 month old, officially. When I was pregnant with Lia someone told me it Ā takes about 8 weeks for a new baby to adjust to the outside world but I think it takes me about that much time to really fall head over heels in love. The beginning is so instinctual: feed, change diaper, snuggle repeat. There is so much going on physically, mentally, emotionally.

Last night I was driving home and was thinking about how much life right now feels like it did when I was in my 20s living alone in Chicago with a goofy grin on my face walking to my apartment in the middle of the night from a party or other gathering and feeling so happy, exhilarated, some natural high of contentment. It was a period of time I refer to as the “great love affair with myself”. Motherhood, especially the beginning feels very much the same, at least for me. I feel giddy. Its an opportunity to fall in love with this new, beautiful being and a chance to fall in love all over again with my husband and daughter and our family. Its so cool how much love this little guy has brought to us in such a short time. I’m so thankful I had that time to myself, that my husband and I had some time with each other before having kids, that we had time with just Lia…. I’m just thankful.

At the same time there are moments when I have a really hard time seeing this new version of my body. I didn’t get any stretch marks with Lia so it never occurred to me that I could get them this time around and yet here they are all over the place telling their own story of how we got here. I tried my best to sit with those feelings yesterday as my ego got the better of me. It is slightly ironic that I was wearing maternity clothes at 9 weeks pregnant already thinking, “I look huge!” and here I am 9 weeks post partum out of maternity clothes and thinking the same thing and in either instance the number on the scale didn’t really change anything about what really matters in life (and I probably am not even as big as I think I am). So, there’s that.

week 9

 

Learning to Love the Post Partum Body Week 8

This week I have to give a huge shout out to Breastfeeding USA. We went to the West Dundee chapter meeting and it was the biggest turn out they have ever had. It was really neat to see so many moms breastfeeding and supporting each other. It was also super cool to see so many variations of the post partum body.

When Lia was born there was a gang of us with new-bornsĀ on maternity leave. It felt like being in a protective bubble. I was surprised at how self-conscious I felt about nursing around people when Ian was born especially since I nursed Lia for so long in all sorts of settings and how isolated I felt (still sometimes feel) Nursing a new-born is uncharted territory, being a new mom no matter how many kids you have is still being a new mom. Going to the meeting made me feel not so isolated and it reaffirmed many things for me, not just breastfeeding related.

I cleaned out all of my maternity clothes from my closet this week as well as all the clothes that won’t fit for some time so that when I go to get dressed only things that will fit are options. Its been very liberating. I’ve felt really comfortable in my body all week. I also feel really strong, which is a great feeling. Friday I took the kiddos to the splash pad which is a good distance round trip, pushing an almost 40 pound pre-schooler and babywearing a probably close to 15 pound infant made me feel like I was training for a mountain climb. šŸ™‚ The scale moved down 1 pound this week which felt very motivating as well.

Lia and I went on our first “date” since the baby has been born. It felt really good to reconnect and be fully present for an hour. Sometimes I see the look in her eyes when I’m failing miserably at not losing my cool when I’m asking her to do something and she’s not robotically complying saying who are you and what have you done with my mother?! I hate those moments for all of us. Being alone together really helped with feeling touched out and feeling recharged for another week of motherhood.

Here are week 8 pictures. And a look at where I started. The human body is so very amazing.

Week 8

week 8

 

2 Days post partum

2 days pp

4 weeks post partum

week 4 front

8 weeks post partum

week 8.2

Learning to Love the Post Partum Body week 7

 

 

 

 

 

Week 7.

There has been alot of surrendering this week, especially of expectations.

We braved Woodfield mall today during back to school shopping no less. I bought some pants even though I’m hoping they won’t fit for long. The scale hasn’t shifted since giving birth but obviously there is change happening.

week 7

As far as this second sweet child of mine goes it seems worth noting that this week he’s really started to come alive and seems so present.

On the SAHM self care front, this week I went to a girls night in a beautiful friend’s garden and we had a coloring party.

Learning to Love the Post Partum Body Week 6

6 weeks, 6 weeks already. Can someone tell my son to stop growing so fast?

I snuck away for a haircut this Saturday and the stylist asked what was the hardest part about having 2 kids. It was tough to answer because nothing really seems ā€œhard.ā€ I took a walk today and pondered it. (we took a walk to the green park which is about 2 miles round trip and another good long walk by the walking path)

bf

 

Whatā€™s hard about being a mother of 2 is that just like being a mother of 1 and I imagine a mother of 3 is that you are a completely different person. Its not to say that being a mother of 1 is easier or a mother of more than 1 is harder its that you are different. Ā I wonder if thatā€™s what the stretch marks are really all about, a gentle reminder every morning that you are now so much more than you were before this soul was placed in your care and you are forever changed physically, emotionally, spiritually etc. First the body has to stretch to contain this new life and then so does everything else and there are growing pains in that. There are moments when its hard to remember that old life that really isnā€™t so old, when my 3 year old felt small on my lap and now feels so so big especially when both of them tangle up in my arms. Whatā€™s been hardest is not having the time to adjust to being a mother to two, to having a husband that is a father to two, or a daughter that is now also a sister. Ā What makes this the hardest is the expectation to have it all figured out right away. Having a second child isnā€™t like having the first again. Its easy to want to compare and yet there is really no way to.

I hope some of that made a shred of sense, is there a big hormonal shift at 6 weeks post partum or maybe it was the blue super moon? Hereā€™s to week seven feeling a little lighter. Oh, and Happy Breastfeeding week!

6 week

Learning to Love the Post Partum Body Week 5

Iā€™m late to blog this week because we were at our annual family campout this weekend, and we survived 5 week old and all.

This was a big week. I started walking. Monday we did a half a block and Lia searched for dandelions. We havenā€™t done more than a block and a trip to the school park yet but Iā€™m looking forward to being able to walk to the parks again very soon.

I took the kiddos to the farmers market by myself and was able to babywear, push a stroller all while sipping a cup of coffee and we got everything we needed at the market. I felt like a rockstar. I will try to post the kale scape recipe I whipped up. It was so delicious I could eat just that for dinner.

Iā€™m typing this while rocking, my snuggled up squishie in a moby. This little man is not so little. He gained 4 pounds in a month so that is another great accomplishment.

Thursday I snuck away for an hour to get a pedicure. Iā€™m trying to consciously carve out some time for self care. Iā€™m really looking forward to taking my first yoga class soon.

Iā€™m finding Iā€™m missing my girl. She has gotten so grown up these last 5 weeks. I remember hearing someone say no one told them how much they would miss their older child when a new one came so I thought I was prepared for this. She is just such a delite and so much fun to watch but she doesnā€™t seem to need as many mama snuggles as she used to. Its very bittersweet.

Iā€™ve observed over these last few weeks that the only time I seem to feel exceptionally good about my body is when I take my weekly photo. Its exciting to see the subtle changes and itā€™s the only time I donā€™t feel like I should be a certain number on a scale or certain clothes should be fitting. Its nice to take a moment and say wow look at all my body has done. Hereā€™s to another week of wonder.

week 5

Rainbow Birth Story

This story all started back here if you want to start from the beginning. This has been tough to put to words. It seems like the most intense parts of labor have almost been wiped from my memory and I find I have to rely alot on my husband sharing his experience of our birth to remember mine which in some ways has been cool. It feels like our birth story and not just mine.

 

The last few weeks of pregnancy were rough for many reasons. I was big. and tired. and crabby. and not quite sure how all the was going to go. We had storms quite frequently and it seemed I would get a regular pattern of contractions every time the rain started and it would all peeter out as soon as the rain stopped. It was exhausting. The last week I was pretty sure this kiddo was going to come out with a square head because no matter how I sat it felt like I was sitting on someone’s head. Even with all that I wasn’t in any particular hurry to get the party started.

snuggles

I felt like this place of inbetween was an important time as well. I felt like I was grieving and savoring the last moments of the life that I knew. I would soak up all of the snuggles with my daughter that I could as well as the time we had as a family of three. We would laugh at our suburban cliche taking walks around the neighborhood: waddling pregnant mama, toddler in a stroller, happy couple holding hands.

On a Saturday morning after a particularly hormone induced crab fest the night before that sent my husband running for bed I woke up early. I tip toed downstairs to sneak in a few quiet moments alone. I had no idea how I was going to survive another day pregnant. My stomach felt a little queasy and I went to the bathroom. My daughter came downstairs a half hour later. She curled into my lap and I savored the squeeze. A few minutes later I felt a contraction that felt midly intense and another a few minutes after that, that I had to breathe through and ask my daughter not to talk for a minute. I told my daughter today might be the day that baby would come. I thought it might be time to wake up my husband and call in the troops. I went upstairs and said, “I think I might be in labor.” My husband called the midwife and they told him they were on their way. I called my mom and told her it might be a good idea to come over. When I hung up the phone I thought to myself, “I really hope I’m in labor because I don’t know what I will do if all of these people come and nothing happens.” Luckily that’s not what happened. My husband was on the phone with the doula and I said I would talk to her. I still wasn’t sure if I was really in labor. She asked if she wanted me to come over and I said I don’t know. She said we’ve been on the phone for 5 minutes and you’ve had 2 contractions so I said maybe you should come then. I told my husband it would probably be a good idea to make some breakfast and for some reason it felt really important to take a shower. I ran upstairs to take a quick shower while Christian made breakfast. The phone seemed to be ringing all the time.

I came downstairs took one smell of scrambled eggs and thought I would be sick. I ate one bite and ran to the bathroom. I was pacing around the house feeling really lucid and so very different than when I was in labor the first time. I had to stand and lean into something and breathe during contractions. Everything was so intense. There barely seemed to be any time to catch my breath. I was leaning against the ledge between the family room and kitchen during a particularily wicked contraction when I looked down and saw my belly wiggle in the craziest way I’ve ever seen. When I didn’t think I could handle that contraction any longer my water exploded and clear fluid ran down my legs. My doula was in the kitchen and I said, “my water broke.” One minute everyone was looking for a towel for the water on the floor and the next I was moaning the battle cry of labor: this baby wanted out NOW. My doula said, “is the baby right there?” and I said yes. Christian called the midwife to see how far away she was and she said she was close. She told him to get me on my left side to help slow things down. Christian and the doula quickly laid down a shower curtain and helped me to the floor. I can’t remember what they asked me when I got to the floor but I remember saying, “I think I just shit my pants.” (which I did and its not nearly as horrifying in the moment as it seems when you’re worried about it pre labor)

At this point it felt like I had never been more in my body and outside of my body at the same time. The midwife arrived and I started pushing. It probably was only minutes but it felt like forever pushing and I kept thinking this baby has been so low what is taking so long? My husband says at this point he watch the head slowly be born, first the crown of the head, eyes, nose and upper lip. A short pause and the rest of the head was born. At this point it was discovered that the cord was around the neck, twice and according to the midwife it was tight. The room was tense but it didn’t seem like a big deal to me even in the moment. She asked me to stop pushing which seemed pretty impossible. Unbeknownst to me the midwife got her finger under the cord and my husband swiftly took it off. Baby was born in one fell swoop so quickly after that I barely felt it and I heard the midwife say, “someone catch the baby.” So I reached over and scooped the baby up catching a quick glimpse of what were undeniably testicles as I brought baby to my chest.

ian

This little baby was purple and quiet and the midwife said talk to your baby as she flicked his feet. I can’t remember all I said but I remember saying “Its a boy, Ian is here. We are so glad you are here.” And he let out a cry and an audible exhale filled the room. I think it was the breath I had been holding the whole time I was pregnant. Lia and my mom came downstairs shortly after and got to meet baby Ian. By this time everyone had arrived. The midwives did the repair as I continued to lay on the family room floor. At some point Christian ran back upstairs to turn the water off that was filling the birth tub we never had a chance to use. We got to hang out as a family for quite a while before Ian was weighed or measured. It was really nice to have that time.

rainbow

 

The short, intense labor and the long repair were overwhelming. Even through all that it felt so perfect to me. It felt so cool to be surrounded by all these women and my family in this moment that we welcomed our son into the world with the sun shining through the windows behind me.

All the things I was worried about were for nothing. I still can’t believe how very different this labor felt. I even remember saying those words during labor, “this is all so different.” The transition to a family of 4 has been surprisingly smooth (so far) and I still am in awe of my daughter’s patience and the love she has for her baby brother. (she still has so much to teach me) My husband as been a super rockstar taking care of everything while I heal and making sure that our daughter had some one on one attention and some adventures. My only regret is how crabby I was the night before we became a family of 4. I’m so thankful I get to share this wild ride of parenthood with him. I know I’m biased but I think we make some pretty wonderful children.

Learning to Love the Post Partum Body Week 4

Week 4

This was our family’s first week trying to find our new “normal.” It started off a little rocky. Ian made me a new perfume of baby boy pee, breastmilk, spit up and my tears of exhaustion. It took Lia almost 4 weeks to find her breaking point and had one day where in her words, “I don’t like my brother ANYMORE!” A few one on one snuggles and adequate sleep and she is all lovy dovy again. Its taken longer to recover this time and mostly because of my own unrealistic expectations. I’m learning slowly how to ask for help but I admit I’m pretty terrible at it. I got some much needed rest yesterday.

I was thinking that the first few weeks of pregnancy so much is happening “behind the scenes.” Cells are dividing, all sorts of things are developing and from the outside it appears as if nothing has happened. The 4th trimester is alot like that but in reverse. Its pretty incredible what the body goes through in such a short period of time. I feel like a inch worm as I feel parts of me expanding and contracting, bones shifting. Consciously taking pictures each week is a really nice Ā reminder of just how much change is happening and a gentle reminder to be kind to myself and the process. Here are week 4 pictures and a comparison from week 1 for perspective. I admit I decided to only do a side view picture because I couldn’t bear to look at the front view ones, no less post them for the world to see but seeing the big picture leaves me in awe. Aren’t our bodies amazing?

Week 4

week 4

 

 

 

I have not changed my eating habits. (we made caramel chocolate chip cookies today) I haven’t started any kind of exercise habits although I’m looking forward to it and will start with walking soon. I have not been consistent with binding but find it has helped quite a bit with finding my core strength again, that and deep belly breathing whenever I think about it. My priorities continue to be healing and establishing a healthy breastfeeding relationship.

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